Six Feet Under - The Lost Episode

October 19, 2006

Opening scene: Anonymous guy decked out in custom jersey, face painted in two shades of colors and foam finger firmly attached to hand bounces up and down in the packed stands as he roars and cheers on his team in the ALCS. His buddies flank him and high five when the batter bloops one to left field for an RBI base hit. As the next batter steps into the box, Anonymous guy high fives his buddies for their awesome seats behind the dugout, removes his foam finger and reaches down for his half-full liquid refreshment when a splintered bat suddenly flies through the air and spears him between the eyes, pinning his foam finger in between. He falls between the seats as his buddies turn to look down on him. Fade to white…. [Opening creepy credits and music] Fade in from white to Nate and David standing in the casket display room, staring at them and contemplating. “I really don’t think we have space to add another demo unit,” David whines.

“Awww, c’mon!” Nate pleads, “think of the new business the new model will bring in! We’ll be the only funeral home in Seattle with team coffins. I think it’ll give us a distinct edge in the market.”

David stares at him with his quirky disbelieving expression. “Do you honestly believe the market for team coffins is large enough to justify the expense of modifying our display room? There could only be what? Two, three hardcore fans who are going to die in the next few years who would even consider such a ludicrous expense!”

Just then three face-painted jersey-wearing men jostle into the funeral home parlor. Nate and David turn to see what the commotion is and give each other the look as they see the dedicated fans….

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Yes, baseball fans, have no fear. Funeral homes near you will soon stock up on MLB logo’d coffins and urns. You can carry your fandom into the great unknown. I’m sure your team will thank you for it… someday… somehow. You even get a nice engraving commemorating the fandom that drove your family members crazy, driving them to resent the sport itself. In fact, your wishes to be buried in such a blazing reminder of that fandom will be one last jab at your loved ones to cherish fondly as they look back and reminisce. Especially if you leave your children with a tacky baseball on a wooden home plate reminder of yourself should you choose to be cremated!

MLB has entered a licensing agreement with Eternal Image, which hopes to eventually make urns and caskets for all 30 teams. The company also hopes to have similar agreements with NASCAR, the NHL and the NFL, but baseball was the first to sign on.

Devoted wife, mother, and baseball fan will be missed…. Yep, I can see it now!

Posted in Baseball - General